Loneliness

 

I’ve just finished moving.  I have been keeping myself busy with cleaning and fixing the place up to make it somewhat livable.  It’s a very small town, which I prefer, though it’s going to get some getting used to being completely by myself.  When I am busy, I don’t give myself much time to think, except for the task at hand.  It’s the times I sit down to take a break that a deep loneliness sets in, and sometimes I try to think of who I could call, but there is no one.  Besides, a phone call is nice to hear a loved ones voice, but it’s not the same as having someone physically there with you.  I am hoping I can get back into throwing myself into work, though when I try now, I tend to let my mind wander and the loneliness sinks in again and again.

I have a landlord that is so very sweet but lives in a different state.  The maintenance man never shows up when he is supposed to, and I had a hard time networking my computers for work.  It certainly wasn’t as easy as the damn directions said.  I finally got the networking situated, which by that time I was almost in tears and ready to hire someone to do it.

The person that lived here before me was terribly dirty, so I have been cleaning non-stop, plus trying to get everything I need just to manage day to day.  I have not started over like this in many, many years.  It’s frightening, yet exciting, but when the loneliness kicks in, I just want to crawl under the covers and never wake up.  I can’t stand the feeling. 

I still need to get a new drivers license (which I already tried to do), but they couldn’t read my birth certificate clearly.  So I order a new one, and go to get my license and the damn Secretary of State is closed for a week.  I did get to see some good looking construction guys though ~smile~, who were all very helpful in where the next nearest Secretary of State is. 

I’m not sure I have ever been so lonely before.  At least before, I had my kids, who are all grown now and on their own.  I guess I feel at a loss.  I am not sure what to do.  I suppose in time I will get used to it, but for now this loneliness consumes me, and I need to find a way to alleviate it.

~ by sequesteredsoul on October 15, 2008.